Live On TV
by Queen Jossie
Summary: Daria and the others end up on Sick Sad World


This is my second fanfic, so I'm still rough around the edges. I did not use Daria or any related characters with permission, but I think MTV can find it in their hearts to forgive me. I mean, the writers get paid hella-buku bucks to write one episode, why would they want to sue someone with no money to begin with? If you have any comments, questions, or you just wanna talk Daria, drop me a line at iamthequeen@chickmail.com. Without further ado, let the show begin! -jf The Queen @):) 

Before the Daria animation: Shot of a TV set, turned off. Pan back to see a couch sitting in front of it. We see someone sit down in front of it, Artie, maybe? We see his arm lift up to show him holding a TV control. He presses a button and we see the "Sick Sad World" logo. 

SSW Announcer: Tonight, on Sick Sad World, This couple (shot of Daria and Trent) has a 5 year age difference and doesn't care. His band (shot of Mystic Spiral) mates don't want the bad publicity. Her friend (shot of Jane painting) wants the two to be happy. (Shot of all) What happens now? Find out next on (Shot of SSW logo) Sick, Sad World! 

Shot of the show starting with Splendora (you know what it is) yadda yadda yadda, shot of Daria's face and an orange background with the words "Live on TV" in black Daria font. 

Cut to TV: Shot of Brit-accented woman standing in Lane basement with Daria, Jane, and Mystic Spiral behind her. 

Woman: Hello. This is the story of two lovers.... 

Daria and Trent: We're not lovers! 

Woman: ...who are being torn apart by this young man's band... 

Jesse: I have no problem with it! 

Max and Nick: Shut up, pervert! 

Jane: Don't tell him what to do! 

Nick: Don't tell me what to do! 

Trent: She just did! 

Daria: Oh, God... 

Woman: (turns around, peeved) I'M TRYING TO RUN A SHOW HERE! 

All but woman: SHUT UP! 

Woman: Why you little.....(turns to camera) Where was I? Oh, yes. This relationship is tearing apart an up and coming band, friends, and the town they live in: Lawndale, USA. Tonight we will see how this all effects Lawndale, how members of the town feel about the relationship, and we'll hear from the people themselves on what makes this so controversial. 

Pan back from TV to show Artie eating a bowl of popcorn. He nearly chokes when he sees that Jane and Daria are on the show. 

Artie: (coughing) Whoa! It's those alien chicks! 

Cut back to the TV screen. The woman is now in the empty LHS library. Shot from now fixed ceiling pans down to the woman, sitting in a corner with bookcases behind her. She is sitting on a leather desk chair, and beside her there is a large leather couch. Between the chair and couch is a large globe. Woman: First off we will be talking to friend and sister to the couple, Miss Jane Lane. 

Pan to shot of woman on chair and Jane on couch. 

Woman: Jane, when did you first see a relationship forming between your brother Trent and your friend Daria? 

Jane: Well, lets see. The first time they really got to know each other was when we... 

Woman: "We?" 

Jane: Oh, Trent, Daria, Jesse, and me, we went to Alternapalooza. Well, we almost went there.... 

Woman: Almost? 

Jane: Yeah, the Tank, the van we were in, died on the way there. I tried hooking up Daria and Trent, since Daria liked him so much. Jesse and I left them alone so we could find a phone to use. They made a bond then. 

Woman: Really? 

Jane: Sure. They sat in the front of the Tank once we got it running, and Jesse and I sat in the back. Woman: (looking at her notes) So, what major thing happened that would make Lawndale think that the two were a couple? 

Jane: At Daria's birthday party about a week ago, Max said that he hoped Trent wouldn't be charged with rape, assuming that the two of them were sleeping together. 

Woman: Why would they think that? 

Jane: Trent talks about Daria all the time. It's "Daria this... Daria that... Daria said this really funny thing today..." 

Woman: Well, he has quite the crush, huh. 

Jane: Just don't tell him that. 

Woman: (To camera) We'll be talking with Mystik Spiral, the band Trent is in, next on Sick Sad World. 

Pull away from TV to show Daria and Jane watching the TV in Daria's room. Daria is shaking her head in disbelief, and Jane is sitting against the wall, smirking. 

Daria: I can't believe you said that. 

Jane: What? 

Daria: "It's 'Daria this...Daria that...'" That is so humiliating. 

Jane: Hey, its the truth. Anyway, aren't you glad that he thinks that much of you? Daria: I guess. At least now I know he knows I exist. 

Jane: Daria, he always knew you existed. He just couldn't admit it, that's all. 

Daria: I guess... 

Jane: Don't worry yourself. He likes you, isn't that what you wanted? 

Daria: Yeah, I just didn't want it to come out like this. 

Jane: At least no one thinks your lesbian now. 

Daria: (shooting a dirty look at Jane) What?! 

Jane: Nevermind. 

Daria: What are you talk... 

Jane: (interrupting) Oh, look, it's back on. 

Daria looks at Jane funny, then looks back to the TV. Sure enough, SSW was back on. Shot of TV, pulls in. 

The woman is now at Mc Grundy's pub, sitting with Jesse, Max, and Nick. They are all sitting at the edge of the stage, Woman at one end and Band at the other. The pub is empty, and only a few lights are on onstage. 

Woman: Thanks for joining us. With me tonight is three of the members of Mystik Spiral: bassist Nicholas Campbell, drummer Max Tyler, and rhythm Guitarist Jesse Moreno. Hello guys. 

All: Hey. 

Woman: Lemme start with you, Jesse. (shot of Jesse) Why do you think this relationship is a good thing? 

Jesse: Well, first off, he hasn't (shot of Max and Nick smirking) had sex with Daria, and I don't think he plans on it. (back to Jesse) Secondly, Daria is one of the only people who really understands Trent. Their friendship is amazing. They make....(looks into camera) they would make a really good couple. 

Max: A couple of what? (Nick and Max laugh) 

Jesse: You both wouldn't know. Doesn't a relationship in your books only last until the last orga...nevermind. (Laughing stops) 

Woman: (uncomfortably) Well, lets move to you, Max. What do you see is wrong with Trent and Daria's relationship? 

Max: Um, I guess the fact that he is 5 years older than her. She's still a child... 

Jesse: She's 17 going on 30, man... 

Max: Excuse me, I was talking. 

Jesse: (flatly) Sorry. 

Max: If anything has happened (Jesse sighs loudly)... or will happen to that kind of serious extent, Trent could be charged with rape. That'd be bad publicity for the band. 

Jesse: Shouldn't we be happy with any publicity we get? (Max thinks) 

Woman: Okay then, Nick, what about you? 

Nick: I think it's wrong that Trent's taking advantage of a girl that young. 

Shot of Daria in her room, Jane watch the TV with wide eyes in one corner, the other corner showing Trent in the Lane living room, Jesse shaking his head. 

Trent: Taking advantage of her?! 

Daria: (in unison) Taking advantage of me?! 

Pull away from Daria and Jane and to Trent and Jesse. Trent (amazingly) is wide awake and sitting with Jesse watching the show. He grabs his guitar, stands up, and is just about to smash it when... 

The telephone rings. 

Trent: Hello? Daria: Hey, it's me. 

Trent: (calmly) Oh, hey Daria. Are you watching the same shit I am? 

Daria: Yeah. I can't believe it. 

Trent: Neither can I. (thinking) I'm not taking advantage of you, am I? 

Daria: (Shot of Daria and Jane watching TV) No, Trent. You aren't. What Jesse said was right, they don't have real relationships, so they wouldn't know what it's like. Trent: (Shot of Trent and Jesse) Yeah. Hey, do you and Janey wanna come watch with us? I wouldn't want to keep your sister off the phone. 

Daria: Why not? 

Trent: Well, if she or your parents are watching, then I should probably be on their good side, don't you think? 

Daria: (Back to Jane and Daria) Well, I guess so...(sighs) Jane and I'll be there in a few. 

Trent: Want me to pick you up? 

Daria: No, me and Jane need to talk. (Jane's eyes widen) 

Trent: Okay. Be careful. 

Daria: I will. Bye. 

Trent: Bye. 

Shot of Daria and Jane from behind the TV set. Daria turns off the TV with her control. 

Jane: "We need to talk?" What about? 

Daria: Don't worry about it. I gotta figure out some way to keep Mom and Dad from knowing about this. And especially Quinn. 

Jane: Doesn't she know? They interviewed the Fashion Club. 

Daria: (close up) Oh, no.... 

Jane: Think we should climb down the trellis? 

Daria: No, then they'll think I really am out to have sex. 

Jane: Right, no need to draw unneeded attention to yourself. 

Daria: We'll just walk downstairs like normal people. Mom and Dad are probably working late anyway. 

Jane: Right. Lets go. 

They get up and walk out of the room. 

Shot from living room TV. Sure enough, Helen and Jake are sitting in front of the TV, intrigued. Quinn sits with them, smirking evilly. Helen's jaw has dropped, and Jake (for once) is paying attention to what's going on. We see Jane and Daria walking down the stairs to the door. The last step creaks, causing Quinn, Helen, and Jake to turn around and look. 

Daria: Um...I'm going to Jane's. I'll be back in a while. 

Helen: Oh no you're not. 

Shot of Helen (Dead serious looking) 

Shot of Jake (slightly angry) 

Shot of Quinn (evil smirk) 

Daria: (shot of Daria) O-kay. 

Shot of everyone telling the woman to shut up. ***commercial break*** 

Commercial: Skintimate Shave gel. Anncr: Where did you learn to shave your legs? From your mother? Mom 1: Start with a bar of soap.... Daria: Shove it in your mouth... Mom 2: Work up a good lather.... Jane: I didn't know that your mouth lathers.... Mom 3: Sometimes I use your father's shaving foam... Daria: To spray on your father's hooker's car, but then again, I don't know about her... Anncr: Yes, this is good, but our gel is better.....yadda yadda yadda... Mom 2: These little bandages are a perfect fit.... Me: Unless you slash your ankles, each one, left one once and right one twice. Then its more like you need 5 cotton balls, gauze, and lots of tape. Daria: You slashed your ankles? Me: My early days of shaving. Jane: Well, you should get the razors with the little wires! Daria: Yeah, then you'll have little lines of hair on your legs. Jane: How do you know? Daria: Quinn showed me. Me: Quinn showed you? Daria: Okay, I was rigging her room and I noticed it. Jane: You looked at her legs?! Maybe you are lesbian. (Daria glares at her) ***End that lovely commercial*** 

Shot of Daria and Jane still standing near the door. Helen has walked over to the door. Her arms are crossed. Jake has a golf book with him, standing beside Helen. Quinn is between Helen and Daria. Helen: You, young lady, are not going anywhere. 

Daria: What did I do? 

Jake: You're having sex with a boy 5 years older than you! 

Jane: She is not, the band keeps teasing Trent since he has a crush... 

Helen: Jane, maybe you should go home. We need to talk to Daria in private. 

Jane: (grabbing the doorknob) Okay. See you later, Daria. 

Daria: Bye. (Jane leaves) I'm not having sex with Trent or anyone. 

Jake: That's not what the TV said. 

Daria: Were you even listening. Max and Nick think that we are. They don't know. 

Helen: Well, anyway, we need to have a talk with you. 

Quinn: I gotta go. Meeting with the fashion club. 

Helen: (grabbing Quinn's arm) Hold on, there. This involves you too, Quinn. 

Quinn: Ugh! What did I do? I'm not the freak! 

Daria: Maybe not, but you're the one who's always going out. 

Jake: Yeah! What exactly do you do on your dates? 

Quinn: I'm not the one in trouble! 

Helen: Everybody stop it. Family discussion in the kitchen, 5 minutes! (Walks away) 

Jake: Um, honey...(follows Helen) 

Quinn: (turns to Daria) Thanks a lot! Now I'm missing my meeting! 

Daria: You brought this on yourself. You're the one who showed Mom and Dad that I was on Sick Sad World. 

Quinn: Whatever. I need to go call Sandi. (runs upstairs) Daria: (sighs, walks over to coffeetable, picks up Helen's cell phone, dials the Lanes) Pick up the phone. 

Trent: (split screen between Daria and Trent) Hello? 

Daria: Hi, Trent. Listen, I can't come over. Quinn got Mom and Dad watching Sick Sad World, and now we're gonna have a family meeting. 

Trent: Tough break. Is Jane coming home? 

Daria: Yeah. Tell her I'll talk to her later. 

Trent: No problem. Sorry if I get you in trouble. 

Daria: You didn't get me in trouble. My parents just don't get.... 

Helen: Girls, get in here. Now! 

Trent: You better go. See ya, Daria. 

Daria: Bye. (Shuts off cell phone, sets it on the couch, and walks into the kitchen) 

Shot of Kitchen. Jake and Helen are in their normal places, Helen holding a pen, Jake reading his golf book. Daria sits down empty handed. Quinn graces the room with her presence still talking to Sandi on the phone. 

Quinn: I know! I can't believe that my own (quietly) cousin (normal) could do that to me. 

Helen: Quinn, get off the phone. Now. 

Quinn: Mo-om! I'm missing a very important meeting. 

Daria: Yeah, deciding who dates Matthew is so important. 

Helen: Daria, stop it. (turns to Quinn) Quinn, we're waiting. 

Quinn: (makes "stop" hand motion) Uh huh...uh huh, really. Oh, I know. 

Jake: When are we starting? I have a golf show on in 5 minutes. 

Daria: I know how to get us starting. Mom? 

Helen: (hesitant) Okay... 

Daria reaches over to Quinn, grabs the phone from her and begins talking. 

Daria: Hello? Yes. Yes. She'll have to call you back. Why? If she doesn't go now, I'll join the Fashion Club. (Dial tone) Hello? Hello? (Sets phone down) We can start now. 

Quinn: Ugh! God, Daria, now they'll think I'm friends with you. (Glare from Helen) Nevermind. 

Helen: Anyway, we're here to discuss you girls', um, sex lives. 

Quinn and Daria: MOM! 

Helen: Listen, if things like this are happening without your father and I knowing, we've really lost touch with you. 

Quinn: I'm not the one dating a loser. 

Daria: For one, Trent is not a loser. Secondly, we are not dating. We're not doing anything promiscuous, let alone anything at all. 

Helen: That's not what was on the TV. 

Daria: Since when do you listen to what the TV says? 

Helen: Those boys are Trent's close friends. They wouldn't lie. 

Daria: Jesse is Trent's best friend. He wouldn't lie either. 

Quinn: Daria, face it. Until you're normal like me, Mom and Dad can't trust any guys you hang out with. 

Daria: Mom and Dad don't even know what guys you hang out with. 

Helen: Girls, please. Daria, are you and this Trent fellow doing anything I should be worrying about? 

Daria: I told you, no! 

Quinn: Liar. 

Daria: (standing up, angry) Listen Quinn, I would thing you'd care less what your cousin did! Or at least that is what you tell everyone at school. 

Helen: (serious) Quinn is not the one on trial here. (motherly) Just tell us the truth, Daria. It'll be okay. 

Daria: I AM telling you the truth. I'd probably tell you more things if I knew that you'd actually care, instead of worrying about how you want your kid to 

Helen: I do care! What makes you think that I don't care? 

Daria: The fact that everyday you tell me to be more like Quinn. I wouldn't be happy like that. 

Helen: We never said that! Did we, Jake? 

Jake: (nose in book) Hmmm? 

Helen: Dammit, Jake! The least you can do is back me up. 

Jake: Oh, Daria, you're mother is right. 

Daria: You weren't even listening! THIS is what I'm talking about. If only you'd listen. (Pushes her chair in) I'm outta here. (Walks out of the room. A door is heard slamming shut a few seconds later) 

Helen looks at Jake, still immersed in the book. Quinn is picking at her nails, when the phone rings. Quinn reaches for it, but Helen has it already. 

Helen: Dammit, get the picture, we're busy....Oh, Hi, Eric. Um, (looks around room) yes, I guess I can go over the deposition with you now. (Walks out of room) 

Cut to shot of Daria walking up the sidewalk to the Lane house. The wind is blowing hard, and the freezing cold air stings her bare legs. She knocks on the door as snow begins falling. 

Trent: (opening the door) Daria, what are you doing here? 

Daria: (walks past him) I need to get away from them. They don't even listen long enough to comprehend a single word I say. 

Shot of Daria plopping herself down on a couch. Jane is sitting at the other end, Jesse between the two. Trent shuts the door and squeezes himself between Jesse and Daria. They all look at Daria. 

Jane: What happened? 

Daria: You know that "family meeting?" Well, it was more like "lets freak out about what unbelievable crap we saw on TV". 

Jesse: Sounds bad. 

Daria: Yeah, they even let Quinn off for calling me her cousin over the phone. 

Jane: That really does bug you doesn't it. 

Daria: It's not like I want spillover perks from her. I just want her to acknowledge the fact that she isn't perfect. 

Trent: Don't worry. You can hang here as long as you need to. 

Jane: Really, who knows when Mom and Dad will be home. 

Suddenly there is a crash of thunder, and the lights flicker. 

Jesse: That can't be a good sign. Thunder in a snow storm? 

Jane: Don't worry. Its just a little storm. 

The lights go out. 

Jane: Damn! 

Trent: Good one, Janey. 

Daria: Well, it can't get any worse. 

Jane, Trent, and Jesse: (in unison) Don't say it! 

There is a knock at the door. Trent gets up and opens the door. Max and Nick are standing outside, nearly covered in snow. 

Daria: (turning around) Who is it, Trent.....(flatly) oh. 

Jane: (Looking) You and your big mouth. 

Jesse: Cool it, Jane. This isn't going to be so bad. 

Daria: I might as well go hide in a closet now. (gets up) 

Max: Hey Trent. 

Nick: Yo. 

Trent: Hey. Looking to crash, I take it? 

Max: Yeah. I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't an emergency. 

Nick: Yeah, they closed the roads going in and out of Lawndale. I guess this is supposed to be pretty bad. 

Daria: (now next to Trent) Well, get inside then, you're letting the cold air in and we don't have power now. 

Max: Um, thanks Daria. 

Nick: Yeah. (They walk in) Daria: (Shutting the door) Don't mention it. Trent: (pulling her aside) Daria, are you sure you want them here? 

Daria: I'm fine with it. If they can't handle me, it's their problem. 

Trent: I guess you're right. 

Daria: I could have told you that. (Trent cocks an eyebrow) Did I just say that? 

They walk back to the couch. Max and Nick have now taken Daria and Trent's places on the couch. All that is left is an armchair. As they walk over, Trent motions for Daria to sit, but Daria refuses. 

Trent: Come on, Daria. I can sit on the floor. 

Daria: No, the floor is cold. You sit. I can stand. I do it all the time. 

Trent: Sit! 

Daria: (blushing) No! 

Trent: Fine. (He sits down, then grabs Daria by the waist and sits him in his lap.) (I know that sounds bad, but think of it as Trent sitting straight on the chair, and Daria lying across the arm parts of the chair. Perverts) 

Daria: (being pulled) Aaah! (looks at Trent) Thanks. (Trent just smiles) 

Max: (looking at them) Oh, God. 

Nick: I'd think in this house you could find a room. 

Trent: Hey, I was just having fun. 

Nick: Would it have ended there if we weren't here? 

Daria: Why, jealous? 

Nick: (accusingly) No! 

Jesse: Listen guys, be glad Daria let you come in. 

Max: Why would it matter if Daria let us in. It's Trent's house. 

Trent: Hey, if Daria didn't want you in, I would have sent you on your way. 

Nick: You'd do that for a girl? You really are messed up. 

Jane: (leans over and slaps Nick behind the head) Don't talk about my brother that way. 

Max: You even got women fighting for you. 

Daria: (Getting up) If I bother you this much, I'll go upstairs. 

Jane: (getting up) Me too. (they walk up the stairs) Losers. 

Nick: Bite me! 

Jane: (yelling from upstairs) I'm not that hungry! 

Cut to shot of Daria lying on the bed. Jane has her sketchbook in her hand and a flashlight in the crook of her neck. We see her drawing Max and Nick engulfed in flames. She starts shading in the picture with her charcoal pencil so hard that she breaks the pencil lead. 

Jane: (throwing the pencil) Damn pencil! 

Daria: I can't believe they have that much of a problem with me. 

Jane: It's not you. They just aren't used to the idea of Trent having a girlfriend. 

Daria: (shoots up off the bed) I'm not his girlfriend! 

Jane: You will be. 

Daria: (to herself) Why didn't I just stay home? Oh, yeah, now I remember. (aloud) So, what can make this day any better? 

Jane: Well, doesn't heat rise? 

Daria: Yeah. But what does that have to do with anything? 

Jane: The power went out, so all the heat will be up here with us. 

The lights flicker back on. 

Guys: (from downstairs) Yes!!! 

Jane: Damn. 

Daria: Who has the big mouth? 

Jane: We're even now. 

Daria: Sure. (feels her stomach) Man, I'm hungry. 

Jane: (Setting the book down) Yeah, me too. (Gets up) I'll go get some munchies. You wanna come? Daria: Wouldn't that be like surrender? 

Jane: True. They can't pull that on me though. It's my house. (Walking out the door) Be back. (She shuts the door.) 

Daria sits up and looks around Jane's room. She picks up the sketchbook and looks at Max and Nick's picture. They do indeed look very much like the picture. Daria sets the book down and walks over to the bed. She sits down and flops herself backwards. There is a knock at the door. 

Daria: (walking to the door) Just a minute Jane. I didn't expect you to bring (opens door)... 

Trent: Hey, Daria. (He walks in the room and shuts the door.) 

Daria: Shouldn't you be downstairs with the rest of your band? 

Trent: Max and Nick are trying to kill themselves again, and Jess is being the moderator. 

Daria: Oh. (Pause) 

Trent: I wanna apologize for the way they acted. It was really immature. 

Daria: Um, don't worry about it. It's not a big deal. 

Trent: Yes it is. They shouldn't be worried about the way I act. 

Daria: (to herself) I'm a big boy now. 

Trent: I'm a big boy now. (He walks over to Daria) I'm responsible for my own actions. 

Daria: (nervously) Uh huh. 

Trent: (leans close to Daria) I'm quitting Mystik Spiral. 

Shot of Trent opening the door to Max and Nick. 

***Commercial Break**** 

Announcer: On the Next Real World: Ruthie and Teck decide to bring seances into Local Motion. Only they aren't talking to the average dead person... Colin: Ruthie said she wanted to talk to Daria Morgendorffer. Ruthie: She seems cool. Maybe she could come over sometime for a few drinks. Daria: Or maybe I could drive drunk too. Matt: All of the sudden, all the TV's had the cartoon characters talking through them. Jane: We're not cartoon characters. Amaya: I'm just sitting there, and this Quinn chick starts telling me that I'm wearing too much eyeshadow, and I'm thinking , What the hell is going on here? Teck: I don't want to see Daria, Brittany looks like my kind of woman. Daria: Oh, God. Brittany: Wow. I guess that would be like me dating Mack or something. Jane: Or something. Announcer: ...And Kaia and Justin decide to travel to Downtown. Kaia: This place has so many ugly people. The only beautiful ones are the ones who have jobs. Mecca: Hey, I resent that. Justin: This guy, Alex, seems pretty cool. Alex: Please don't hit on me. Announcer: All on the next Real World. At the Ten Spot. ***End Commercial*** 

Daria: (in disbelief) What?! 

Trent: I'm quitting Mystik Spiral. 

Daria: You can't quit. 

Jane: (walking in) Quit what? 

Trent: Janey, I'm leaving the band. 

Jane: Again? 

Trent: This time it's for real. If they can't accept that I like Daria (she blushes) then I don't need them around. 

Jane: Wait a minute. Jesse is on your side. Don't you think you could at least get the two of you to talk this through with Max and Nick? 

Daria: Really. This band is your life. You leaving Mystik Spiral would be like me turning into Quinn. (She shudders at the thought) 

Jane: And Trent, if you even leave, I'm kicking you out of the house. 

Trent: You can't kick me out. I'm older than you. 

Jane: So what? You can live with Jesse can't you? 

Trent: Janey, listen. Max and Nick don't believe in what friendship Daria and I have. If I told them how I feel, maybe they would think of it differently. But... 

Jane: Maybe? (Daria smirks, knowing Jane has just won) I know you can get through to Max. Without any hair on his head it should be easier to drill into his skull. 

Trent: I don't know, Janey. What if it doesn't work. 

Daria: Then we'll just have to see each other on our own time. 

Nick: (from downstairs) Hey Trent, Sick Sad World is on! 

Max: (downstairs) Yeah, get down here. 

Jane: There's your sign. Go now, mighty one. 

Trent: Janey, you're so weird. (Trent leaves the room) 

Jane: So, anything interesting happen while I was gone? (raises brows suggestively) 

Daria: You wish. All he did was tell me he was leaving the band. 

Jane: Nothing happened? Damn. 

Laughs can be heard from downstairs. 

Max: (from downstairs Daria, get down here! 

Daria sighs, and Jane pats her on the shoulder. The two walk downstairs and into the living room, where we see that the Fashion Club is on Sick Sad World. 

Cut to close up of TV. F.C. and Woman are talking in booth in pizza place. Sandi sits next to Woman, with Tiffany next to her. Quinn and Stacy are on the other side of the booth. 

Woman: So, girls. What do you think of this relationship? 

Sandi: It's hard to believe that someone that cool would be interested in a geek like her. 

Tiffany: Really. Quinn, isn't that your cousin or something? 

Quinn: What? Oh, yeah. I can't believe Mom and Dad let her out. 

Woman: Have you ever had any encounters with Ms. Morgendorffer? 

Sandi: I paid her $10 for emotional help when my cat Fluffy ate my foundation. 

Tiffany: (slowly) I helped her with social skills, but she freaked out and left. 

Stacy: Daria and her friend Jane helped me when Bret dumped me. 

Quinn looks off into space. F.C. looks at her, waiting for an answer. 

Woman: Quinn, what about you? Have you ever had any encounters with Daria? 

Sandi: Of course she has. (Evil smirk) Doesn't Daria live with you? 

Quinn: Oh, yes. She's my cousin. She's really freaky if you ask me. 

Woman: She's your cousin, and she has the same last name as you? 

Quinn: Yes. So? 

Sandi: Didn't she say she was your sister at that assembly in the beginning of the year? 

Quinn: (nervously) Oh, well we've known each other for so long that I seem like a sister to her. She looks up to me... 

Daria: (in background) Like hell I do. 

All turn around to see Daria and Jane standing beside the booth. Both have their arms crossed. Woman looks at them with surprise, then motions them closer. 

Woman: Daria, would you like to expand on that? 

Daria: My pleasure. (Close up) In a perfect world, people like Jane and I who aren't so brain-dead that we can't see what is really going on in the world, would be the people who are deemed popular. But since humans opt for happiness, they see people like Quinn and her friends as the standard for teenage normalcy. It's just too bad that's the way people think. It's too bad that the people who know what awful things are going on all around the world are the people being shut out, and the people who are worried about whether their eyeshadow matches their date's belt are the people who are applauded for their views. I can't look up to someone who is more interested in what outfit is in for the week. I look up to people who don't have their head so far up their asses that they can't see the light of day. (Looks at girls) No offense, guys, but I feel sorry for whoever looks up to you. They are looking up to what is wrong with the world, from not being able to handle a situation (Sandi and Tiffany look away) to lying to your friends about your family in order to be seen as cool. (Quinn looks at Daria with a "can't believe you said that" look) Jane: (To Daria) Well put. 

Woman: (in awe) Um, there you have it. We'll be right back. TV goes to commercial. 

Pull back to see Jane and Daria standing behind the couch, smirking. Max's jaw has dropped, and Nick's eyes are wide. Jesse and Trent are looking at Max and Nick with pleased expressions. 

Jesse: I told you she was 17 going on 30. 

Max and Nick turn around to see Daria, expressionless, looking in their direction. 

Max: I guess we didn't know how mature you are for your age. 

Nick: Yeah. Sorry, Daria. 

Daria: It's okay. 

Jane: So, Trent, do you want back in Mystik Spiral? 

Trent: It's up to the guys. 

Max and Nick look at each other, then nod. Trent jumps up and bumrushes Nick and Max. Jesse gets up and jumps on the pile, knocking over the couch they are on. Jane looks at Daria, who is looking at the guys. 

Jane: Wanna join them? 

Daria: Nah. Just watching them makes me glad I'm as mature as I am. 

Jane: (suspiciously) Really? You mean it doesn't add to the excitement that Trent is 5 years older than you and that you act more mature? 

Daria: I never said that. 

The boys hoot and holler. Couch cushions are now flying across the room. 

Trent: Hey, Daria. Come join us. 

Daria: (looking at Jane) Aw, what the hell. (They join the cushion fight.) 

Fade to a shot later. Max and Nick are sleeping, lying against the knocked over couch. Nick is spread out in all directions, while Max is in the fetal position. Jesse is sleeping on the chair, with Jane asleep next to him on the floor. Daria is lying against one of the cushions asleep. Trent is standing nearby, and puts a blanket over her. He grabs a pillow and lays down next to her. He watches her for a moment, then falls asleep. 

Cut to the Morgendorffer residence. It's the next day, and Helen and Jake are sitting at the table for breakfast. Yes, Helen is at home. She's drinking a cup of coffee, thinking about what happened last night. Jake is still reading his golf book. He takes a sip of his coffee and looks at Helen, who looks disturbed. 

Jake: Honey, what's wrong? 

Helen: I watched the rest of that show last night. Jake: (suspicious) See anything interesting? 

Helen: I watched the part where the anchor interviewed Trent, and whenever he spoke of Daria, his eyes lit up. He talked about how he would never want to hurt Daria and would never pressure her to do anything she shouldn't. I really believe now that Daria was telling us the truth. 

Jake: You mean I don't get to come after anyone? 

Helen: (sighs) No, Jake. (pause) Did you know Quinn was telling everyone that Daria was her cousin? 

Jake: No, I didn't. Why would she do a thing like that? They love each other. 

Helen: (perterbed) Jake, do you pay attention to anything in this house? 

Jake: Of course I do, sweetie. 

Helen sighs as Quinn walks in the room doing her angel act. She drifts to the table and sits down. 

Quinn: (angelically) Hello Mother. Hello Father. Isn't it a be-utiful morning? Helen: Quinn, drop the angel act. 

Quinn: (miffed) What angel act? 

Helen: We saw you and your friends on TV last night. 

Quinn: I was on TV and nobody told me?! 

Helen: Quinn, I saw you refer to Daria as your cousin. (Quinn looks shameful) Why would you do such a thing? 

Quinn: Mo-om! You don't know what it's like having a sister like Daria! She's weird and has weird friends and a boyfriend better than anyone I can pick up! It's not fair. I'm the attractive and popular one. I DESERVE to have a boyfriend like her! 

Helen: Oh, shut up, Quinn! In case you didn't know, I had to compete with TWO sisters, Rita and Amy. Do NOT tell ME that I don't know what it's like! And just to let you know, maybe if your attitude shaped up you'd find a guy as nice as that Trent fellow. 

Quinn's jaw has dropped. She looks to Jake for help, but he's buried in his book. She looks back to Helen, and stomps off to her room. We can hear a door slam moments later. 

Jake: (looks up) Did something just happen? Helen: (looks to Jake) Jakey, I need a vacation. (He finally looks up) I don't care what the office says, this is getting to be too much. Jake: Great! Lets go. 

Helen: No, I'm staying home today. That'll be vacation enough for me. You just get to work, okay? 

Jake: (getting up) Okay. (kisses her cheek) Bye, Helen. Jake walks out of the room. Moments later we hear a door close. Helen goes back to her coffee. We hear a door open again. Helen: (turning around) Jake, honey, did you forget something? 

Daria: (walking in) No, I didn't. 

Helen: (Jumps out of seat and to Daria) Oh, Daria! (She hugs Daria, who is shocked) I'm sorry I didn't listen to you honey. 

Daria: (pulling away) What changed your mind? 

Helen: I saw the way Trent talked about you. He really cares for you, Daria. I'm sorry I blew up at you. 

Daria: It's okay, Mom. You were under intense manipulation. (to herself) Amazing how someone with no brain-power can do something so bad. Quinn: (walking in) Mom. Daria. Daria: Hi Quinn. 

Helen: Quinn, how long have you been calling Daria your cousin? 

Quinn: (eyes Daria) Just for a little while. (Helen looks to Daria) 

Helen: Daria? 

Daria: Since the beginning of (looks at Quinn) the month. 

Helen: Well, Quinn. Because of your actions, you are grounded for one month from TV, Phone, boys, the mall, and you will walk straight home after school starting... 

Quinn: (running out of the room) Gotta go, bye! (Door slams shut) 

Helen: (finishing) ...now. (sighs) Daria, you don't have to go to school today. 

Daria: Well, that's nice. Except for the fact that school was canceled from the snow storm. 

Helen: Well, then why did Quinn run out of the house? 

Daria: I just don't know. (to herself) Maybe the fact that I changed the dates in her Teen Runner the other day. (aloud) I don't know Mom. You never know with a girl like her. 

***THE END*** 

If you have any questions, comments, or ideas to bounce off of me, email me at iamthequeen@chickmail.com I will reply promptly, unless I get stuck working late. I was not paid to write this, and I don't think I will be, but feel free to show it to whomever you like. Just don't put your name or someone else's (other than mine) on it or manipulate it in any way. In the words of Molly Ringwald, "I have three ones (guys) and they lust wimp blood, so shut up or I'll sick them all over your weenie ass." 


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